I almost killed my old man

He was lying on his back screaming in agony. “What in hell is wrong with you?” I lovingly enquired.

“Argghhh, ohhhhhh, OMG.” He replied.
I have no time for this kind of bollocks, I thought, and went back to my sons bedroom, he was mid-way through a stomach bug and was inadvertently puking up. Meanwhile, the washing machine was going bananas and my one-year old was busy sitting in the, dead and cold, ashes of the fireplace.
“SHIT!!!” We had friends arriving and my plan had been to scrub their bathroom and bedroom and put clean linen on the bed. This was scuppered by one puking child and one screeching husband.
I went back upstairs to the screamer. “What is wrong with you – your still on the floor…”He declared that his back was in agony and every time he tried to move; it hurt like hell so all he could do was lie there: unmoving…”Bloody Hell – We do not have time for this shit today,” I informed him and wondered off leaving him in his noisy agony.
Fortunately, we had a very thoughtful neighbour who kindly drove my man to the doctors – we eventually managed to get him out of the house and lay him horizontally in the boot – like a plank of wood.
When he returned he was still in great pain having been subjected to a quack doctor who declared the pain was in his mind, told him to think himself better and sent him home. The next three days he continued to screech until we realised he should go to hospital.
At the hospital – the French staff were shocked he had coped for so long without painkillers and prescribed him a shedload of strong tranquilizers.
That evening as the sun set I doubled his dose and gave him a beer to swallow them with. At the time I had no idea the staff at the hospital had already given him a large dose of morphine.
An hour or so later he crawled onto the kitchen floor, his eyeballs rolled into the back of his head and he lay there absolutely comatosed. I assumed I had killed him and watched horrified; my children’s father was so doped up; would he ever resume consciousness again?
He did. And spent the next few days enjoying his legal drug haze sedated and lying on the sofa smiling in his dreamworld.
We later learnt that the British doctor he had originally seen had been struck off in Ireland but was, legally, treating people in France.
The drugs do work.


  1. heeey honey bunny. Loving your writing. It's sooo well written and funny to read. Wish I could write like this! Keep the good old work up girl! Julo. xx

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