I fantasise that Christmas should be a time for love, laughter, mouldy satsumas and long, wooly socks.
Surely, there can be nothing more satisfying than snuggling up on the sofa, the wood-burner blazing, the chestnuts roasting, the children pink-cheeked and Father Christmas on the telly – (god bless Raymond Briggs).
But, in a flash, this homily could turn bloody and dark as relatives totally piss you off and the pile of unwritten Christmas cards begin to haunt your nightly slumber.
So, in an effort to get you through this time of festive cheer and, cajoling, naked, fear, I have composed my top five festive tips: bon chance, mon amies…
1 – Plant a whacking great sunny smile on your face, slap the mazzy on your lashes and get the hell out there; however, super steamed off you are, however, hard your head is banging, however, heavy the bloody shopping is: the rain might be trickling down your neck and the car-parking ticket might cost over £10 quid: its all going to be ok – because you ARE happy. Ok? Just repeat: “I am a joyous festive person who is full of cheer”.
2 – I know one should censure the use of alcohol, but it does appear to be restoring my sang-froid this December. With this in mind; break out the snowballs, make sure the mazzy is ON, and slap that old beamer back on your boat-race; Christmas is the season to be jolly. Get some decent wine in the fridge and enjoy a Christmas drink with your buddies – they will make you feel NORMAL.
3 – As the, actual, day has not yet even appeared, but is slowly, stealthily, creeping towards your tight bucket of sanity (and gently pushing at said bucket) – remember this is the best bit: the build up. The actual day will see you with your arms inside an enormous, naked, pink-fleshed goose, whilst steam and central heating reduce you to a red-faced, middle-aged, old bat with your mazzy sliding down your overly-pink cheeks.
4 – Yes, of course, crack open the credit-card and buy presents for all those cousins, the grandmas and grandpops, the teachers and the husbands – but don’t forget to buy a little something gorgeous for YOU – lets face it, no-one else will.
5 – I know I sound miserable and bitter but take joy in this: I do it for YOU – my lovely readers. Have a cracker and for gods sake get out there and bring joy to the world.