Toilet Humour

Ever been caught with your pants down?
Ever been caught with your pants down?

Have you ever been caught with your knickers (or pants) down. I mean – literally? I only mention it because next week it is World Toilet Day.

I divulge, one merry evening on my way home from a knees up in the city I jumped on the train to head home.

Happily gassing to any fool who would chat to me, I realised that I needed to pee, so I stumbled off in search of the loos.

Never the best bathrooms in terms of cleanliness: a train loo – and when it is hurtling along, trying to hover over said bowl, so your bum doesn’t touch the seat, and your slightly squiffy and unsteady to boot it, is – frankly, never the easiest job at the best of times.

This particular train – was a new one – with those enormous loos which have the rounded doors that open to reveal the entire chamber before spending thirty, slow seconds revolving shut again..can you see where this is going yet?

So I get in – the door slowly closes. “Splendid”, me thinks as I survey this new and cavernous type of train toilet. I proceed with the, ah, procedure and am happily hoovering, peeing and holding onto the walls as I wobble and wee along the tracks home.

Suddenly – ever so bloody, painfully slowly the door is revolving open again. “Shit, shit, shit” thinks smug, foolish moi, as I am glued in position mid-wee whilst the wretched door languidly opens to reveal to the entire carriage my white, wobbling buttocks!

I am stranded holding the walls – wobbling and weeing as the button to shut the automated door is two metres away across this vast space on the other side of the loo. “Buggery, bugger”, I smile to all yet am frustratingly stuck in position, as the doors, once again, nonchalantly spend…the…next…twenty…seconds…closing…again.

I am utterly humiliated and the people I was happily chinwaggling with just five minutes earlier can barely look me in the eye as I, sheepishly, leave the toilet and rapidly disappear to a new carriage, where as yet, no-one on it has had the joy of seeing my bum wobbling, whilst hovering in train space!

I only mention this shameful story in a bid to promote the terrible and distressing fact that 40% of the worlds population do not have access to a toilet and every fourty seconds a child dies from water-related diseases…and in writing this ticklish tale, as part of World Toilet Day, Splash Direct have promised to donate £2 to Water Aid for every blog written about, erm embarrassing and disgusting toilet stories!

If you would like to get involved head to Splash Direct or Water Aid and lets help to make sanitation an important and fundamental part of everyone’s life.

I am part of the #Blog4Sanitation movement setup by Splash Direct.

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